Bob Leahy: Daniel, thank you so much for agreeing to talk to PositiveLite.com. You have quite a story to tell. But tell me first what it is about you and magic. How did you get interested?

Daniel Bauer: The arts of Magic (and Escape) are my heart and soul! On my 8th birthday, I got a “Blackstone Harry Jr.” magic kit and it was pure love at first site; kind of like Harry Potter getting his first magic wand and discovering that he too was born with the unique super-human powers to conjure the arts of magic.

Why the interest in Houdini?

Ah! Well, the Houdini legacy says he would return from the grave; so here I am, his successor, his re-incarnation, as the world knows me.

So you developed an act which paid tribute to him. Was your approach to replicate his tricks or to come up with those of your own, or what?

My first off-Broadway show, was titled “Penetration” – it was not so much a ‘tribute’ as it was announcing and securing the claim as the successor to the legendary Houdini. Everything from death-defying escapes to pure sorcery was part of my shows. I was dedicated to pushing the boundaries of the mystical arts.

And you were doing quite well, enjoying some success?

Yes! Television interviews, covers of magazines, becoming an up and coming household name, living a glamorous New York lifestyle, travelling the world; I was unstoppable!! HX Magazine described me as “one of New York’s most soul piercing performers. . .”

Then something really upsetting happened. I’m talking about your health check. This was in 2002, right? Do you want to talk about it?

Talking about it is what’s helping me get through each day, so here goes. In 2002, I was preparing for a new production I called “ALIVE”. I was working with a major international company who was going to finance the multi-million dollar production. Part of the contractual, red-tape stuff was to have a complete medical check done to make sure I was in primo shape for insurance purposes. So, I went in to the doctors; they ran their tests, took some blood and I returned to rehearsals.

Two weeks after all the tests were completed, I was called by the doctor and was asked to come in for some follow up. When I arrive at the Doctor’s office, there was this woman standing in the room; I thought she was a nurse. Turns out she was a counsellor. The doctor says to me, “Daniel, we have received blood test results back and need to inform you that your blood work tested reactive for HIV anti-bodies.”

How did that feel, getting those results? I mean it must have been pretty shattering – it always is for anybody who gets a positive test result, you and me included I’m sure – but did you think it would have any implications on your career? Or what WERE your first thoughts?

I was in utter shock! My gut fell and smacked to the floor! At first, I am thinking to myself, ‘What the hell? How the fuck?? But like most things in my life, I reacted in a way where I pretended to be strong and basically said in response, “okay – well this is shitty, but I’ll deal. I have an upcoming tour to prepare for, so no time to get all down on myself. What do we need to do to manage this so this does not affect my performing?” The doctor told me that my HIV would not affect my ability to perform, and that in fact it might be more than 7 years before I would have to even take medications. I thought to myself, “Ah that’s awesome! – Let’s go kick some magic ass on tour!”

And then a couple of weeks went by, and the shoe dropped. Tell us what happened.

The major international company that was working with me to fund my new tour, “Alive”, called me in to discuss new details of their partnership and the tour. They unexpectedly pulled out. “Alive” was no more.

Do you remember the exact words they used to tell you the show was off?

Yeah, they are burned into my mind - a mental nightmare that still haunts me. “Daniel after further review of the ‘dangers’ associated with “Alive”, we have decided to no longer support the tour, as we feel the act itself is now a liability and not safe.”

And how did you feel about that? Did you try to argue with them?

Talk about fucking mind-blowing, smack me in the face – what the hell is happening thoughts going through my head; I was speechless, and thought to myself “liability” – how is this show a liability now. . .???? They claimed that this one escape I was designing ‘Piranha Peril” would be too much and too risky. In my head I am thinking, ‘Please, this is why you were so gung-ho about ‘Alive’. Yes, I argued and even said, “I assume you are aware of my recent HIV diagnosis, is this why the show is now all of a sudden a liability?” Of course they denied that had anything to do with the reversal of supporting the tour. There was no further arguing to be had . . . it was over. How was I supposed to argue with a multi-million dollar company that had given me the chance of a life-time? I left their offices, walked outside to the street dumbfounded and completely lost. In my head I am thinking, “My life is over!”

Pardon me for going here, and we don’t have to if you don’t want to. But I want to talk a little about how you became HIV. Now for many of us that’s not important, but I know you’ve given it some thought and are very aware just how you think it happened. A while previously (how long ago was it before the HIV test?) you very much liked a guy. You’ve said you thought it was love. And you had unprotected sex, right?

I am almost certain it was an ex-partner who infected me. Six months, before I got the crappy news, we were in a California hotel room, we had some champagne, we were very much enjoying each other naked – the intimacy was hot! We both got drunk, and then he said, “I want to make ‘pure’ love with you. . . let’s be complete and show our true love.” He told me he was negative when I asked, I believed him. ‘Raw’ intimacy was unbelievable; the orgasm was insanely amazing . . . and every time thereafter. Two weeks before I was given the results, I came home and found he had packed up his stuff and left, without notice. No note, no message. . . nothing, he was just gone.

Looking back on that night, or those nights, how does it make you feel about yourself?

Stupid and ashamed.

I’m interested in how we process news like this, about getting positive test results. We all seem to do it differently. How much do you blame him and how much do you blame yourself? Or isn’t there really any blame going on at all? Perhaps it’s not even an appropriate emotion?

There is definitely blaming going on. I blame myself a lot . . . I blame him a lot . . . I was stupid; he’s just an asshole for not being honest with me.

What happened to the other guy? Were you able to discuss it with him?

I haven’t seen or heard from him since he left. I still live with unanswered questions . . .

If you were able to talk to him now, what would you say?

Well it would take a lot of strength to hold back from wanting to punch his lights out. But, I would ask, “Why?”

Maybe we are dwelling too much on this subject of how you got infected. The past is the past, right? I want to go back to your magic career. It really ended right there, right? Or at least you thought so?

Yes it ended right there and then.

So what did you do? Did you try to get anything going, or was it seeming like a dream had slipped completely away?

While I knew it was the end, I was too afraid to tell anyone who was part of this venture that it all had ended, so I lied and told them everything was moving forward. ‘Alive’ was as big as it gets. . . I didn’t know what to do. . . I was so ashamed of myself.

You’ve said your life went in to, quote, a “spiralling downhill destructive pattern” at this point, because you had nothing really to live for. I’m guessing that downward spiral included drugs. Crystal meth? More?

Yes and a whole lot more. In a nut shell, that weekend, after ALIVE was killed, a friend of mine introduced me to crystal meth while out at a prominent New York City nightclub. That one night turned into a year of self-destructive hell. I can’t tell you how many times I wanted and tried to OD. Anything that came into my path was going down with me. I didn’t give a crap about anything.

Did the drugs in any way help? Did it make you feel better?

The drugs made me ‘believe’ it was all still happening which helped me to continue to lie to everyone involved that it all was still happening. One lie, after another, after another, after another. I was unstoppable.

And that period of addiction went on for how long?

A year.

Did you ever go the route of taking money for sex? (Ever consider it?)

Yes. I’d rather not elaborate on this, it’s shameful enough.

What about suicide? I think you’ve said you attempted suicide once. Was that your absolute worst moment?

Yes, while I was in a toxic psychosis, basically tripp’n out of my mind.

How did you climb out of all this, particularly the drugs? Was it hard?

I had a forced intervention. I had left the city, and went to hide and sleep in the basement of my parent’s house. They caught me when I was asleep and called the State Troopers. I was arrested.

Do you ever think about taking drugs now – or are you way past that?

The urges still exist. Drug addiction is a disease. It’s the nightmare of going to the black hole places I once went that keeps me from using today.

Tell me about the time since then. How has your health been? Your numbers are good now, right? You feel strong?

Well, it was an up-hill battle trying to discover a new loving self-worth for myself, wondering how I was going to be able to make anything of myself. Thankfully, HIV/AIDS organizations and counsellors were there to work with me and help me to realize that HIV is not who I am but something I simply need to manage on a daily basis. I have been lucky to work behind the scenes since 2005, for some global and regional projects in the fields of wellness, entertainment, government and education.

My health has been up and down. Currently, my t-cells are up over 600 (rising from a very recent drop to 200) - so this is great!

I feel stronger than ever, and it’s not because I have lots of muscles. Ha! It’s my heart and mind that have limitless power to fight for my life, my dreams. .

Your viral load is undetectable. Does that give you a different outlook on life? Or even a different approach to sex? About thinking about how infectious you might or might not be, for instance?

Actually, my viral load is still detectable; UGH! This makes me even more dedicated to managing a healthier lifestyle today. HIV will not beat me down! I will beat it down! I am ALIVE!

My outlook on life is still very positive, however when it comes to intimacy issues, with my viral load still being detectable, I am afraid to have sex. It’s not easy on my heart – I long to be loved and to love.

So you’re feeling much better. You’re feeling alive, you’ve often said. And your hopes of a career? I want to hear what happened there. You’ve tried to get the magic career working again, right? And you’ve had some success, but I imagine it’s been hard? Tell me about that.

I had built up enough courage to get back to my true passion in life. I created a new show back in October 2009, Purity, which debuted off-Broadway in New York City on October 30, 2009 and has been touring since. It has been hard dealing with the backlash from the destructive year of my addiction by proving my worth to others all over again. I have bounced back and continue to rebuild my name each and every day. There is nothing like getting back on stage and hearing the audience and fans coming back to support me.

Now two years ago, it sounds like you had a bit of an awakening. You decided you wanted to start talking about HIV. How did that happen? What was the catalyst for that?

I went public with my story in 2004, with an organization named AIDS Related Community Services (located in Upstate New York), and interviewed with several smaller publications who were doing stories on people living with HIV/AIDS. I spent the next few years speaking to some local groups, nothing large scale. Then in 2008 someone had heard my story and asked if I would consider being a main speaker at the Northeast LGBT Conference. There are no words to describe how I felt after I spoke. All I remember is that the entire room, stood, waiting to give me a hug afterwards, telling me my story was one of the most powerful stories they have ever heard.

Following this, I was asked to speak at various colleges and universities.

Today my inspiration to renew my commitment to speak out loud and be blunt, comes following a very recent hospitalization this past summer, as well as the untimely passing of my younger brother who died of AIDS in October 2010.

I’m sorry to hear that, Daniel. So you are VERY out now. How does that feel?

I was OUT back then and REALLY OUT now. I feel much more liberated.

You’ve started a blog – a video blog - and we’ll talk about that in a moment, and now you’ve started BLUNT. First of all, why the name?

It seems the only way people listen these days is if we are BLUNT about how we talk about issues affecting us.

So tell us what BLUNT is about

BLUNT is my story told in raw language. You will hear my emotional journey: the rise, the fall, the pain, the deep dark places I allowed myself to go, the hope, the courage and the strength. After I share my story, I invite everyone to ask questions. Absolutely, no holds barred! Let’s be blunt about what’s really going on in your life, your friend’s lives and everyone else’s all around us. You can ask anything about HIV/AIDS, discrimination, criminalization, sex, drugs or anything else that comes to mind. I will be blunt in response, but not crude, with my perspective. I will distinguish fact from fiction. Let’s get it all out on the table for discussion, and have a real conversation so that there are no misunderstandings when you go on your way after our time together finishes. Blunt is an opportunity to learn and grow, including myself. I will break down the barriers that feed the stigmas associated those living with HIV/AIDS.

I know quite a bit about public peaking – I’ve done a bit myself, on the subject of HIV too – but I don’t know much about doing it more formally as a motivational speaker kind-of-thing. Is that an easy field to break into do you think?

For me, yes! Much like when I perform on stage, my magic is told through stories that captivate and ignite the emotions of those listening. I have been told that I am an intense, powerful yet infectious speaker. Talk about an ego boost, ha! It is with that feedback, I am fuelled to continue to speak out loud.

If there is one message you’ll want audiences to take away, what is it? One sentence please.

People living with HIV / AIDS are human, don’t tuck us away into a dark corner of the world because of fear; we are worthy of our lives just like the next, so get educated about the facts.

You’ll be talking a lot about stigma, I’m sure. In fact that’s your target I think– and all of our targets – to try and beat it down. Have you thought about why the stigma exists? What is it about HIV, do you think, that makes it such a stigmatized condition? And is that ever going to change?

I think about why the stigma exists all the time, I mean there have been so many medical advances in the fight against HIV/AIDS. I believe there is this rampant fear by people who are ignorant or bound by moral/religious fears. I think because of the ways which people believe the virus can be contracted, particularly, sexual transmission, the HIV carries a major stigma to this day. I remember becoming afraid of AIDS back in the 80s when the Ryan White story broke. I was scared to death I would contract it sexually. Back then it was a death sentence for many. Scary stuff! I think many still believe that today which is why the stigma carries on. Of course this is far from the truth; I mean look at me I am still here after 9 years, kick’n and scream’n with loads of joy and life!

Is this ever going to change? I think there has been change, but not enough. It’s time to get real once again about how we educate. A renewed commitment and strategy of awareness and bold actions need to be put into place for greater change to be achieved.

What do you think about the criminalization of HIV non-disclosure. I know the laws in your country - and even within your individual states – aren’t exactly the same as those in Canada – but what do you think of all this? And how does it impact on stigma, do you think?

I am on the fence with this issue. On one-hand I don’t think there should be any HIV-specific disclosure laws as it relates to consensual sex, unless proven beyond a reasonable doubt that it was one’s absolute intention to infect another. For example, two people agree to have sex, neither asks to disclose his/her status . . . each takes equal responsibility for any outcomes. However, I believe if someone lies about his/her status, then that person should absolutely be legally accountable.

I think having HIV-specific disclosure laws is like forcing those of us living with the virus to get branded on our foreheads, a Skull and Cross-bones Poison Sign. These laws absolutely add to an already uphill battle in the fight against stigmas experienced by those living with HIV/AIDS.

You’re a blogger now. Well done. I like it! Is it something you are doing for you, deep down inside, do you think, or is it for others?

I am blogging for myself as well as others. Doing so keeps me hopeful, educated and inspired to experience the magic of every day I live.

You’ve said in one of your video blog posts “HIV is not who you are. It’s just something you have to live with every day.” That’s really well put, and really needs to be said often. It’s sort of what PositiveLite is about too. Do you think some people with HIV let it play too important a part in their lives?

I think some people do let HIV play too important a part in their lives. I think I am one of those people. I have to be careful to balance the message I want to share with others about living with HIV/AIDS. My blog and new speaking program BLUNT are a VERY important part of my life, however my magic and being on stage is my priority; which is why I have added some elements of magic to my speaking program, so people can see me for me, and not for my HIV.

Looking at your very first video blog – it was awesome by the way and we’ll make sure readers know how to find it (Editor: we’ve posted it at the end of this article) – you seemed so dedicated, so intense, so inspiring too. Quite amazing. Would you describe yourself as an optimist?

Thank you for saying that! And, to answer your question, I am most definitely an optimist, just ask any of my friends!

I see you responded to one of your blog comments with a “bug hug” Was that a typo – or your wacky sense of humour, LOL?

Really?? Oh no, that was definitely a typo. Ooops. It should have said BIG hug. Darn the I and U keys being so close together!

Daniel, I’d like to give you a “bug hug” too, but it will have to be over the internet for now. You’ve been great about answering all our questions, even the tough ones. What did i feel like being grilled like this?

I’m honoured that PositiveLite has chosen my story, as I know I am just one of many out there who have a story to tell.

It’s time to be BLUNT and I am ready to speak out loud and feel confident in doing so, which is why I am excited about getting the BLUNT program in motion and scheduled at events around the Nation.

Anything else you want to say to PositiveLite?

Yes. I am very grateful to be surrounded by a circle of friends who show their unconditional love to me every day. They see me as Daniel (HoudinII) and not the has-been magic guy with AIDS. These friends know who they are and I love them very much. So, here is a great big shout-out to those friends; THANK YOU for being there! There are angels in this world. . . there is love in this world. . . it fuels my passion to live each day to it’s fullest. No Stigma will ever beat me down again! I am ALIVE.

Together we will make a difference

Good luck Daniel. And I hardly need to say it, but keep living positively!

Thank you Bob and the PositiveLite team for sharing my story; what you all are doing is tremendously infectious!

Here is where you can learn more about Daniel Bauer:

Official HIV Awareness Website: http://www.livingpozitively.com

Official Daniel Bauer is HoudinII website http://www.dbhoudinii.com/

Blog: http://www.livingpozitively.blogspot.com/

Twitter: @LvngPozitively

YouTube channel: http://www.youtube.com/LivingPozitively