ATTENTION LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

Heteros, homos, bis, Two-Spirits and trans,

All breeders and queers,

I have an important announcement to make!

WASH YOUR FUCKING HANDS.

Are you perplexed as to what I’m referring?

I’m talking about hygiene, folks. And not just any hygiene. SEX HYGIENE. Foremost on my list of rules for those of us who like vulvarian action is WASH YOUR HANDS. (Vulvarian, you like that? I made that up.)

I’m telling you, wash your hands. Every time.

While we’re on the subject of hands (you know where I’m going with this), let’s talk about nails, ladies.

What do you call a lesbian with long nails?

SINGLE

Bwahahahahaha

I think the nail issue has been covered enough that I’d like to move quickly onto an issue that is quite touchy in the feminist/queer/lesbian community.

That subject is HAIR. Not just any hair. Pubic hair.

Hair is a personal choice, amirite? How much or little you have, how often you groom, the general maintenance of it…that’s all extremely personal. Hair care is a very sensitive subject for women, especially queer women, because many of us reject society’s rules for appearance and femininity. I also know that pubic hair serves a functional purpose of keeping unwanted bacteria from entering the vadge (perhaps by oil-covered mechanic hands).

I respect every woman’s choice to do whatever she wishes with her pubic region, but I will say this: it is muuuuuuuuuuuuuch easier to maneuver around, particularly with your tongue, if you aren’t being bushwhacked. I, personally, don’t wax or shave, but I do use a mustache trimmer to even out the jungle. Even if done just for logistical reasons, I think it’s a good idea. The first time that hair gets yanked by a silicone dildo as it’s headed in, you’ll know why I am an advocate for trimming.

Since we’re hanging around in the region, I want to address something that recently came up in conversation with a straight male friend of mine: smell.

WE INTERRUPT THIS POST FOR A SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT:

If you don’t like the way pussy smells, you might be batting for the wrong team. Srsly.

In general, I love the way a woman smells. I love it so much I might wear it around on my lips for a few hours. Go out to dinner with friends, and catch whiffs of her as I sip my water. Mmmm…wait, what was I saying? Oh yeah…

Buuuuut, I’ll be the first to admit that sometimes, especially in the summertime, when a girl works outside all day, and there’s been a lot of sweat, and maybe some lake water in there, there could be, maybe, perhaps, the slightest hint of…badness.

You know what, though? I can get over some rankness. You know what really chaps my ass, though? Lint. That’s right, ladies. I’ve seen it on you. Mucous-y, rolled up balls of lint stuck all around. (Another reason to trim a bit.)

Nothing says “I don’t give a fuck” quite like blue balls of grossness clinging to the outer lips.

I cup my hands in the shower and rinse myself out (front and back). That way the bacteria runs down my legs, and doesn’t get shoved way the hell up inside me. Ew. Don’t douche.

But say you’re all fired up, and you know you’re about to get down with hottest chick since Angelina. You don’t have time or patience for rinsing! What you need are some flushable wipes.

Sometimes, though, you have to just fucking go for it. Try to slyly wipe away the gunk as you’re headed south, and get in there.

Use condoms on your fingers and any toys. Use dental dams before going down on a girl. Don’t have dental dams in the house? Condoms make great dental dams as well—just cut off the tip and the bottom, slice down the center, unroll and voila! Dental dam.

Most of these are common sense, no-brainers, I know, but you’d be surprised how many times I’ve had…let’s say, complications…after being with women who haven’t followed these simple rules. So ladies, whether or not you’re in a relationship or just fucking around, be clean, be safe.